Felix's Birth Story & Thoughts

On June 7, I had my normal OB appointment. Just like in the US, I was being seen weekly since 36 weeks. June 7 was my 39 week appointment, and I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant according to my LMP and the first ultrasound I had at 9ish weeks. Unfortunately, the OB I had been seeing the entire duration of my pregnancy took vacation the last two weeks of my pregnancy. I was kind of bummed that I would have to see another doctor, but I hadn't heard anything bad about any of them, and I was accustomed to seeing a million different doctors and midwives during pregnancy, so this wasn't a big deal. Besides, I knew I would be attended by midwives during my birth so I already would be possibly meeting someone new on Felix's birthday. The previous week, I had had an ultrasound too check fluid levels and the position of the baby and the quality of the placenta. Dr. Oender, my normal OB, measured the baby (who had been approximately 1-2 weeks ahead since 16 weeks). She estimated his weight at 6 1/2 lbs. So when this new OB measured him, I didn't expect her to say that he was 4kg (approx. 9 lbs). In fact, she didn't bring up his weight until I told her that I felt like I go into labor when my babies reach 7 1/4 lbs. She looked at me with wide eyes and said, "He's 4 kilos." But then she said, "I could be wrong." I was comforted by that until she followed that up with, "but you're very big. Do you always get so big?" Anyway,  I asked her to check my cervix to see if any changes had occurred since I was last checked, and she did and we found that not much had happened. I left the doctor feeling pretty depressed. I was in an incredible amount of pain (aches and pregnancy discomforts), I was still dealing with all-over-body itching, and I couldn't get a good night's rest due to heartburn, having to pee, and all those discomforts I mentioned. So, I went to the BX for a little retail therapy. I even posted on Facebook that my due date had changed to June 17 because I didn't want to deal with people asking me if he'd arrived yet.

me at 37 weeks, looking fancy

In the late afternoon of that day I began having totally random painful contractions. But I didn't suspect anything, honestly. I just thought, "great, now I am having random pains. Awesome." So I watched some TV with my mom and Montanna, and went to bed around 10:30. Then I felt like I was having contractions. I was excited but a little mad that they were already so painful. Usually contractions start off feeling like an ache that is not very painful at all, but these were already very painful. So after 10-15 minutes of trying to fall asleep, I gave up and got out of bed. I didn't tell Montanna what was up, but I texted my mom and asked her to stay up with me to see if it was the real deal. So, she showered and timed them. Unfortunately my decision to eat taquitos for lunch that day (the crappy ones in the freezer aisle...ewww) had come back to haunt me (or that was another sign of labor), and I was visiting the bathroom over and over and over again. In fact, that began to bother me more than the contractions, which were about 2-4 minutes apart. I decided to take a bath to see if that would help and my mom joined me (in the room, not the bath, haha!). The bath was great, but I kept having to get out to use the bathroom. Soon I decided to break out the Tucks pads that I had purchased for after birth.

Around 1 or 2 am, we woke Montanna, because I didn't feel like it was going to be long before I wanted to go to the hospital and get checked. I probably should have waited, but I knew that if I hadn't made much progress I could come back home since the hospital was only a few minutes away. So, after we woke up my friend and picked her and her daughter up and got everyone situated, and we left for the hospital. It was raining. Nevertheless, we decided to take our usual "outside the hospital picture."

Birth day! 3:30am June 8

my view from the birth ball, next to the bed, in delivery room

View of birthing bed, my mom, window in delivery room

View of squatting bars, Matisse, and tray of stuff in delivery room

We arrived around 3:30 am. I was hooked up to the monitor, given something for heartburn, had my cervix checked (3cm and partially effaced). I sat on the ball for my 30 minutes of monitoring and decided I would then hop in the tub. The midwife on staff at the time was very nice, though I do not remember her name. She was only with us for a few hours, most of which I spent in the tub. St. Johannis requires only 30 minutes of monitoring every three hours if things are going well.

Here are a few pictures of our room. I love all of the stuff that they have available for you. There are birthing balls, this awesome adjustable bed, squatting bars (attached to the wall), cool décor (Matisse and a birth picture), and even hooks to string up a wrap or a rope to pull on while laboring/pushing. The birth tub was amazing and very calming. They had fake candles and pretty glowing lights that twinkled blue and white. There was also a bathroom in the room so that you didn't have to drip all the way down the hall to use it.

Me lounging in the tub with sweet inflatable pillows

 The tub was awesome. Unfortunately, I asked for the water to be too hot. The temperature was great for my back and the contractions, but it made me feel warm overall. Plus, they made me drink a bunch of water so that I wouldn't get dehydrated (notice I am not hooked up to an IV?). I kept having to get in and out to pee, and oh yeah, remember those taquitos? haha. So, after a while, I decided I was too hot and I wanted to get out. So, we moved back to the delivery room. Besides, there was a shift change and then I was going to be due for my monitoring. The next time I was checked, I was 6cm, and thinning out, which was great. I decided to get an epidural around 8 or 9 am. I was having back labor, hadn't had any sleep, my butt hurt a ton from pooping way more than anyone ever should, so I guess my heart wasn't in it to deal with the pain. More on that later. Anja, the new midwife, felt that once I got the epidural, had my water broken, the baby would come down more in my pelvis and my cervix would open the rest of the way and I would be pushing in a few hours. I mean, we all really felt like I would have Felix before noon.

Well, Felix had other ideas. Instead of getting a pump which would deliver a continuous dosage of epidural meds, I ended up getting one shot worth of medicine (which lasts 2 1/2 hours). So, around 11, I started feeling contractions again. Luckily my doula had arrived, and she helped me through the contractions until about 2pm when I got another dose. I was checked around 11:30-12, and I was at 9cm. So we all thought the end was near! It certainly wasn't. Unfortunately Felix was malpositioned, facing my belly button instead of my spine. What's funny is that my whole pregnancy he was facing my spine, so that we never got a good profile picture of him, even though I had an ultrasound at EVERY appointment! My OB would say, "your baby makes it interesting!" The problem with being posterior is that the baby often won't fit through the birth canal unless he turns. This was the case with Felix. He had trouble even fully engaging in my pelvis. To make matters worse, whenever I would get in a good position to facilitate him turning, his heart rate would drop. For instance, they wanted me to lean over a birth ball, but his heart rate kept dipping. Also, this position is notorious for causing severe back pain in addition to contractions, so yay me.

At this point we got a new doctor who didn't speak English. Like, she spoke as much English as I spoke German. We also got a new midwife, Christina. The doctor explained with a variety of charades and German words that part of my cervix (mutter mouth!) was caught and swelling, which prevented it from dilating the full 10 that I needed to begin pushing. Unfortunately no one knew the word for swelling in German, so she just kept saying the German word for thick, which is (unfortunately) 'dick.' So, she would puff up her cheeks and make like a makeshift cervix with her hands to illustrate what she meant and then say, "dick! dick!" That gave us a laugh or two. In a bit after that, she asked me to push while she held part of my cervix out of the way. After this doctor, we met another doctor, the one who would eventually deliver Felix. Her name was Dr. Mariana.

Now that my cervix was out of the way and fully dilated, our issue was that Felix was so high up in my pelvis. I'm not sure at this point if he was still facing posteriorly or what. But in any case I was feeling my contractions full force again, and I refused to push. Seriously, they tried to make me, but I couldn't forcefully push. It was the kind of pain that made me unable to do anything but just writhe there in pain. The midwife and doctor kept saying, no, no, I needed to feel the pain or whatever. But I told them, no. I would not push without it. Finally, they relented. My wonderful doula, Angela, told me at one point that I would have to be more forceful if I really wanted to receive a dose of medication, so I doubled down. And that's the great thing about doulas. I hired Angela to help me cope for a natural birth, but the moment I decided I needed pain relief, she made no bones about it and continued to support me in getting what I needed. I promised everyone that I would push with the greatest force known to man if I could just get some help with the pain from contractions.

Well, this was all the start of a very exciting 2-3 hours. I got my dose of pain medication. (Montanna's favorite moment around this time was when the anesthesiologist, a woman, was checking my pulse while "Across the Universe" was playing, and she said, "The Beatles?" And he said, "yes." and she replied, "hmph." Like, a disapproving Hmph.) I also got some Pitocin to make my contractions stronger. Then Felix's heart rate dropped and I was given what we believe was epinephrine because as they were injecting it into my heplock my heart started beating  in a fashion that can only be expressed by cartoons... you know the cartoon where the character's heart beats in a heart shape out of its chest? Yes, like that. It was insane. I guess this worked because I wasn't knocked out for an emergency C-section, and soon I was being positioned for some epic pushing.

The bed was moved in a position so that I could be monitored and in the squatting position at the same time. Then I was asked to push for quite a long time while squatting. I pushed with approximately 4 people telling me "harder! longer! push!" They kept telling me to curl up while I did it, even though I felt that was impossible with the GIANT baby I had in my abdomen. But I kept trying. They wanted me to take one huge deep breath (impossible) and push with that for the duration of my contraction (impossible). But I had to breathe deeply, push, exhale, breathe deeply, push, and exhale. Somehow this managed to move him deeper into my pelvis. I was told to feel his head. I didn't want to. Then I kept being told I was doing a great job, and I kept thinking (and I think I even said at some point, "No, I'm not!"). I also remember saying, "No. Nope. I'm done," which in retrospect I think was cute. At some point I was told to push while lying on my side, pulling up one leg while leaving the other straight and curling myself into a ball again. I guess that helps? Anyway, I pushed like this FOREVER. They pushed on Felix's bottom (my abdomen) while I pushed. I remember at some point my doula asked the doctor about using the vacuum (just an interested question... like "do you think we'll be using the vacuum?") and I remember thinking, "YES, that would be great! I wouldn't have to do all this work that is apparently doing nothing." But then I did manage to consider the fact that his head may sustain injury and I might have to have an episiotomy so I did resolve to do it myself, begrudgingly.  Before I started pushing, the doctor did say that the baby wouldn't be able to handle hours of pushing (even though he did...sort of). Then I started crowning and it was terrible.

I remember crowning with Vivi and Phoebe. I do, and it was one of those surreal moments in life, but then it seemed like it was over in a matter of minutes. With Felix, that pain lasted a good 30 minutes. I would push and then my midwife would say, "STOP, MRS EVERS." And I would secretly hate her. And I would try to push when I wasn't having a contraction. And I would think, " Can I be alive right now? Can I continue to exist in this pain?" It was all very surreal. I'm sorry, surreal is the only word I can think to describe this. I guess because for me it was so painful that it seems like it is incompatible with life... or consciousness. I'd be instructed, "Push his eyebrow out... push out his nose" etc. It took a very, very long time to push out his ginormous head. And when his head was out, I was asked to relax my legs, and the midwife grabbed one and the doctor grabbed another and they pumped my legs a few times. Later I found out that this helped turn his shoulders in a more favorable position. Then I pushed again and I don't remember if there was any help used (on my abdomen) but it felt like he flew out and I yelled, "FINALLY!"

And he was so beautiful, but blue. He was quite blue. His eyes were closed and he was so beautiful. He was breathing, so they let Montanna quickly cut the cord, and he was taken to a small room right off of our room to be given air (not oxygen) and stimulated. They kept him for about 30 minutes. Luckily we heard him cry a few minutes after he was moved so we knew that he was doing at least marginally well. He passed his first bowel movement while I was pushing him out (but after his head entered the canal so he couldn't aspirate it, luckily) so they needed to check his cord blood oxygen level to make sure that he went into distress later rather than earlier. If he had been in distress earlier he would most likely have to be moved to a different hospital because ours didn't have a NICU. Anyway, after about 30 minutes they brought me our beautiful boy.

And told us he was 9 lbs 3.5oz and 21.5". Well, now it all made sense why I had such difficulty getting him out. He was by far my biggest baby. Sophie was 7lbs 4 oz, 21"; Phoebe was 7 lbs 7 oz and 20.25"; and Vivi was 7 lbs 4.5oz and 18".

Thoughts

So having a baby in a German hospital was amazing. The language barrier wasn't a problem because there was always someone around who spoke excellent English. I really felt that the staff of nurses and doctors worked hard to figure out what would best help bring about a natural birth. They definitely tried everything they could before giving me medicine of any sort. Yet again, I wanted to forego the epidural but I found myself unable to do so.

My husband has a few thoughts on this. He has said that I always say something to the effect of, "I won't get pain medication unless..." and then I always find I need it, whereas when it comes to something like breastfeeding I am unyielding, so I always make it through whatever obstacle that might have lead me to use formula. I'm not sure that his point is exactly it, but I'm sure that has something to do with it. I guess, deep down I don't feel like accepting pain medication is so bad. I mean, it wasn't exactly "pain" that I wanted to experience, but I wanted to feel like I was really experiencing birth in an extremely intense way. When I had Sophie, my epidural was so strong that I was unable to push her out and I needed a forceps delivery, and the complete and total lack of pain coupled with a lack of agency made the whole moment of her birth less emotional. With Felix, I definitely didn't have that... the epidural was perhaps the best one I have had because it did, for the most part, numb my contractions but still let me experience the intensity of birthing my baby. I just wish they had used the pump instead of individual doses of medication.

After having given birth at an excellent hospital in Philadelphia (Hahnemann University Hospital), I was a little bit weary of going to a small hospital in Germany. In Philly, I felt that they were very focused on helping women maintain an intact perineum (no tearing, no episiotomy) and I wasn't sure that when it came down to it, this staff would focus on that very much. However, they did an amazing job making sure that I delivered without injuring myself. That is amazing and has made my recovery so much better.

I feel like when I describe this birth to others that I focus on the pain. I don't mean to suggest that it was bad, just that it was so intense. The act of getting him out of my body required so much work and effort on my part and so much help from others cheering me on and focusing my energy. After having three babies, I thought that the fourth would be out in a matter of a few pushes, and I was so wrong! I guess birth is the great unknown that is so difficult to plan for. I guess that's why when people tell me that they're not preparing for birth because they're getting an epidural, I try to tell them that often an epidural doesn't mean "pain free" birth. My doula was so helpful in helping me cope with the contractions, rubbing my feet, asking me to take deep breaths during the contractions, and helping me advocate for myself.

Congratulations if you made it to the end of this long, long posts. :)